Recently I had the pleasure of spending time with my 2 ½ year old nephew. There is something so simple and pure about being with a two-year old’s energy. As adults we can also learn from that energy the rewards of fully expressing our emotions.

When a two-year old is frustrated, happy, disappointed or elated, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to notice and name the emotion. At times these raw emotions can test even someone who has the patience of Mother Teresa, but the energy of the emotions is pure.

As adults, we learn to curb our emotions. Could you imagine sitting in a business meeting and being told that your idea won’t work and throwing yourself on the floor, kicking and screaming until you got your way? In growing up, we all learn “appropriate” times to express our emotions, and that a business meeting may not be the best choice.

As a life coach, however, I see the price clients pay having shut down so many feelings in their lives. Often there are few (if any) times that seem appropriate to express their emotions. This leaves many of us not feeling much at all, most of the time. Our emotions then become inaccessible.

It may sound safe to shut down “bad” emotions, but by shutting down the “bad,” you also limit the amount of the “good” that can be experienced. As we block things out, we begin to close down and block the flow of energy in our lives.

Think of your life flow as the cross-section of an artery. As emotions are blocked from such typical things as anger, resentment, frustration, denial, etc. the artery begins to get clogged – just like it does in heart disease. As the amount of blockage grows, the amount of life flowing through it decreases so much that we are unable to enjoy or feel the life force coming through. We choose not to feel, go on auto-pilot, and begin to die a slow death.

What can you do about it? Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Be with the emotions. Feel anger; experience delight; go deeper. What is there? What is anger like? How does it feel? Even if it’s uncomfortable, remember that you are in a very safe space and all you are doing is experiencing your feelings.

Once you begin to feel again, the pain probably isn’t as bad as you had imagined. The uncomfortable feeling may pass in some cases very quickly allowing more life energy to flow through the “artery” and allowing life to open up. It’s being available to your emotions and your life that gives it depth and meaning.

Here’s a disclaimer: if the emotion is based on something very serious or you are extremely resistant or impacted by your emotions, you may need a therapist or counselor. This person can help to dig through these situations and do some healing from the past. Remember, life coaching is about feeling things now, increasing energy flow and moving forward with intent. There is a distinct difference.

The message is to open up and feel what’s happening in your life – both the “good” and the “bad.” You have the freedom and safety to un-clog the artery and live your life fully. Let it flow!

Coaching Challenge: Select something in your life that charges you (people pulling out in front of you, feeling stupid, a comment made by a co-worker or spouse, etc.) and consciously try on the emotions. Choose any way you can to be with your emotions. It could be journaling, simply sitting with them or talking to someone you trust. Fully be with the emotion. Go to the depths, explore. You’ll probably find that it isn’t as deep or as bad and you think. Once you give yourself permission to feel and experience it, see if you can gain back some of your freedom and life flow. As you move forward in life, be more aware of your feelings and experience them fully. Hopefully you’ll find that it isn’t that scary, and once you move the blocks out of the way, life flows so much more freely.

Ever find yourself postponing your happiness? It sounds something like this: “When I get my promotion, I’ll be happy,” or “Once I meet Mr. Right, life will be great!”

If this sounds familiar, you may be relinquishing your power to be happy until some outside force deems it is time.  Often when the one thing you imagined would make you happy finally happens, you find it isn’t enough. Then you wait for something else to happen. It’s an endless pursuit, a game you can never win.

You may have played the game yourself. It goes something like this. “I’ll be happy when I graduate from high school…or college…get my first job…get married…have kids, etc. We long for something, get it and move on, without realizing that “it” didn’t bring the happiness we had anticipated.

Last week one of my clients was interested in a new job. “I’m not happy in my job…but this new one is ideal,” she told me. “I know that if I get this job, I’ll be happy.”  Will you really?

She felt unhappy, and the immediate solution was to find something new and move on…which she had done several times over the last five years.  I asked her, “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how satisfied are you right now in your job?”

“Five.”

“Is five enough?” I asked.  “What would it feel like to be at an eight?”

“It would feel great. This new job is an eight and I want it. I won’t settle for less than an eight.”

A week later, she called after she had interviewed for the “eight,” and had come away feeling unfulfilled. It didn’t feel like an “eight” any more and had slipped to a five.

She questioned if she should take the job, even if it wasn’t an eight and paused, realizing she had answered her own question.

She decided to stay in her job and I challenged her to find ways to move it towards an eight. I encouraged her to clearly define what an “eight” looked like and use that definition as a gauge for future decisions. For some people an eight might be, “having a boss who shows that she appreciates me,” or “spending no more than two hours a day on the phone,” or “working with people who operate as a team.”  To remind her of this standard, I asked her to write “8+” on a post-it and hang it on her bathroom mirror. 

I then used a metaphor to explain the importance of being specific but not rigid. When shopping, one of the most frustrating times can be when you need to buy an outfit for an upcoming event and have no idea what you want. On the other hand, going shopping and knowing exactly what you want can be equally frustrating – especially if you are not willing to compromise.  The spectrum runs from being so specific that nothing works or so open that you’re unable to discriminate.

 “Be creative and describe what you need,” I encouraged her. “And, if it still doesn’t work, then use your definition of an eight as your gauge for future decisions.”

The next time she calls and starts to play the “I’ll be happy when” game, my quick response will be, “Is it an eight?”

Coaching Challenge:

Think for a moment about one less-than-satisfying area of your life. You want MORE. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being completely satisfied), where are you now? Then determine the standard from which you will gauge future decisions. Is eight enough? Do you want a ten?

Use your imagination and create the ideal situation for you. What does your eight look like? By being more specific, you can more easily gauge what you want and recognize it more quickly.  If you tend to be too specific, then look for the components that would make up the ideal job. For example, instead of identifying THE job you want, describe what makes that job important to you (flexible hours, atmosphere, location, etc.). Then use this list as your criteria for future decisions.

I went to lunch with a friend who was trying to understand the concept of “life coaching.” He said he was satisfied in his life and didn’t think he was a good candidate for life coaching. It is clear that he is successful in his career and appears to be satisfied with his life. But as we delved deeper, we uncovered an area that he would like to develop further, an area where coaching might help – and it didn’t require turning his world upside down.

A person might find herself in a well-paying job – something she has studied in school or spent the last 20+ years doing – but still she longs for more. “What do I want to be when I grow up?” she asks herself as though she were 10 years old.

People are asking this question now into their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and beyond. The average person switches careers seven times in his or her life. This can be scary yet also filled with opportunity.

You’ve probably heard the excuses of staying in a job where the passion is gone. “What would other people think? How could I afford to go back to school, pay my bills, or get insurance?” All are perfectly logical arguments, but what price are people paying not living with passion and purpose?

Release the fear for a minute. Imagine a life where “work” was so compelling, so interesting, so in line with your purpose that it didn’t feel like work at all. Sound too good to be true?

Remember, your career is only one aspect of your life. However, as a full time employee, you spend roughly one-third of your waking time at work, so making a change can significantly transform how you experience your world.

As a life coach, I help people look at where they are right now. Several of my clients are in the midst of a career change. It’s scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Sometimes they are flying high with enthusiasm; sometimes they are feeling overwhelmed. As we work together, the important thing is that they are moving forward.

Perhaps, like my lunch date, your current career fulfills you, but you long for something more. Life coaching can help develop new aspects to keep you moving forward – in any area of your life.

Back to my lunch example: You should have seen his eyes light up when we began to explore how he could bring out more of himself by adding a new dimension to his career. When we finished lunch, he had some homework, a new direction he wanted to pursue (without leaving his current job) AND a better understanding of the power of life coaching.

I’m not sure what will happen from here, but he is moving forward, with passion, in a direction he has longed to pursue, but just hasn’t gotten around to it. Think about what could happen with a little forward movement in your life.

Coaching Challenge:

On a sheet of paper, make a large “T” dividing the sheet into two halves. On the left side of the T write, “Things I want less of,” and on the right side write, “Things I want more of…” Select one area on which to focus. For this example, let’s focus on Career. Describe aspects of your current situation that you would like to decrease (left side). In the career situation, it might include the number of hours you work, office politics, the type of work you do, the clients you keep. On the right side of the T, use your imagination to describe the things you would like to increase. This could be more clients, fewer/more hours, a supportive boss, etc.

As you look at the chart, notice where you are and where you are heading. It’s like navigating a trip. You have to know where you are and where you are going to determine how to get there. The T Chart helps you see both points and now you can begin to make your plan as to how to get there. On the left side, cross off each item you want less of and fold the paper in half so you can only see the right side of the paper. Read through the “Things I want more of…” list each day to open the space to bring these items into your life.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt misunderstood, overlooked or disappointed? If you are a living and breathing human being, it’s more than likely you have experienced this many times in your life. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way!

In co-active coaching, we talk about the importance of Designing the Alliance. This is when you very clearly state your roles, understanding and expectations when you enter or change a relationship. In a life coaching session, this is one of the first things a coach will do with a client to make sure the “ground rules” are in place. This level of understanding and communication paves the way for a great relationship that is full of communication, honesty, trust and connection.

Designing the Alliance can work in any number of relationships including family, friends, working or romantic relationships. Although it’s probably too formal on a first date to sit down and begin the conversation, “Here’s how I work best and here’s what I expect from you and this relationship,” a perfectly timed “Designing the Alliance” conversation can help propel the relationship forward, or end something that will probably turn out to be a waste of time and energy.

What would this look like? In a work relationship, it could be a conversation prior to beginning a project with other members on the team. Or, you could Design the Alliance with a contractor who has just been hired to complete a very important project for your company. This would sound something like this: “We are about to enter into an agreement on this printing project. Let’s talk about what expectations we both have regarding the total cost, customer service during the project, completion date, and what might happen if we have a miscommunication.”

Here’s a more personal example of Designing the Alliance. Over the summer, our family took a trip to Chicago. My husband and I talked with our three pre-teen boys and Designed the Alliance the night before we left. It sounded something like this: “We are on our way to Chicago to visit grandma and grandpa. We’d like everyone to share their thoughts on what the trip will look like, and have each person share what his or her expectations are and what their goals include. We explained that during the trip, we can re-visit this discussion and Re-design the Alliance, but we all agreed that this is what it looks like right now.” This conversation helped us to clearly lay out our expectations and opened the lines of communication, which became the basis for a happy trip for each of us.

Depending on the situation, here are some basic outlines for Designing the Alliance.

• Look at what conditions need to be in place to effectively work together? This might include timeframes, methods and timing of communication, how you work best in these types of situations, etc.
• What are some of the obstacles or potential obstacles we might encounter? Examples of this might include unexpected delays, sickness, miscommunications, etc.
• What fundamental questions need to be answered to get the most out of this process? What are your expectations for the final product? What does success look like for you?
• How do you like to be communicated with? Some people prefer email, weekly meetings or reports, phone calls, sticky notes, etc. Be clear up front what type and frequency of communication is expected.

The first step is to answer these questions yourself and then communicate them to someone else. If you do this and listen to their expectations, you will be miles ahead in making the relationship successful.

Coaching Challenge: Look for one relationship in your life to introduce the Design the Alliance concept. Remember, it can be something as small as your expectations for a child’s before school behavior all the way up to communicating about the multi-million dollar deal prior to signing the contract. Make sure to review all important aspects of the Alliance and agree to revisit the Alliance periodically or when problems arise. You will be amazed at what a difference this small step will make in the relationships that are important to you.

Sheri Fisher is a Life Coach who lives in Grand Junction, Colorado with her husband Tom and three sons. Having completed an extensive training program through Coaches Training Institute, her practice focuses on life coaching, marketing coaching, consulting and trainings. All situations and characters in her column are fictional to maintain client confidentiality. Sheri can be reached at sheri@coachwithsheri.com or for more information, visit: www.coachwithsheri.com.

The other day I was talking to a hair stylist about life coaching. People find themselves in the stylist’s chair revealing very personal experiences, feelings, hopes and dreams. For some reason, just sitting in the chair helps people to relax and relate. As I explained how coaching helps people get “un-stuck,” the stylist’s eyes lit up as I explained that coaching helps people who desire change, long for movement and clarity, yet often don’t know where to start. It’s not counseling or therapy where you’re dwelling on the past,” I explained. “It’s more about movement and looking at where you are right now and where you want to go. It could be answering questions like, ‘what have I wanted to do, but haven’t?’” She immediately rattled off two or three clients who could use this type of service and then paused as if she were answering this question for herself.

We all know someone who seems to have the same old drama going on in his/her life. This is the person who gets you on the phone and goes on and on and on about the same thing. “And then she said…so I said…and it just isn’t fair, he shouldn’t be doing that.” But when you ask your friend how she is going to move forward in the situation, she is either speechless or begins to tell you more about the he-said/she-said story. It becomes an endless loop. One of my clients recently said coaching has helped her realize how many choices she really has. In our coaching sessions, we might begin with something that is happening in her life and then look for even deeper meaning including values, goals and expectations that perhaps are not being met. I ask her what changes she’d like to make and brainstorm ways to make it happen. As her coach, I become her accountability system to make sure she is not just talking about it, but really choosing to make movement. It’s very action and results oriented which most people find very empowering. The next time you find yourself or someone close to you relating their “story” and describing what he said/she said, etc. ask, “Do you want to remain stuck? What do you get out of being the victim? “She may not answer “yes,” but her continual ongoing story, will help you to realize what is really happening and give you the option to remove your energy and attention from her drama. If you choose to stay in her stuck energy, aren’t you really choosing to remain stuck yourself? Coaching Challenge: Take a few minutes to answer the questions (in a journal, if possible):

• What am I tolerating in my life?
• Where do I limit myself?
• What are the possibilities?

By reflecting on these questions, you may reveal some places in your own life where you might be stuck. Realizing this is the start to moving forward. Are you ready and willing to move forward?

Several times last week, I was reminded of how precious life is.

Someone I knew lost her husband, who died suddenly of a heart attack. Another friend called to tell me her 12-year old had been diagnosed with cancer.  Another woman’s 23-year old son was killed in a hunting accident. We hear about tragedies like this every day and realize that life is so precious. It could end at any time.

Many of us don’t live our dream. In fact we don’t think or talk about it for fear that we might sound stupid. “Why talk about something that might never come true?” we ask ourselves. We move through our comfortable routines day in and day out. But when does “comfortable” become “stagnant” or even “suffocating?”

The newly widowed woman reminded me, “Tell the people you care about that you love them every day, because it may be the last time you see them. You never know.” I carried these words home with me and individually told my husband and each of my sons that I love him. As the kids went off for school, I heard my friend’s voice reminding me, “it may be the last time you see them…” It’s so fresh right now, but in a week or two, it will probably go back to normal. I’ll be busy, kiss them goodbye and expect them to be home after school.

If you’ve ever done the exercise, “What if you found out that you had 6 months (or less) to live…” you know that with the time clock ticking, your priorities tend to change. A new sense of courage and boldness come through and you describe really living your dream.

Life coaching presents opportunities to discover and talk about finding the dream and moving towards making it happen – without the six-month time clock.

The other day one of my clients was talking about his dream. I could hear and feel his passion. His eyes lit up and his voice became more animated; he was alive and shining in his brilliance. From that point, we uncovered ideas and ways he could manifest his dream more fully. Not to say that we didn’t bump up against his inner critic or saboteur a couple of times – you know, the voice that tells you that you can’t do something.  But even that we tackled head-on.

Then we added some brainstorming, action plans, homework, commitment and accountability and suddenly, he started moving towards his dream. He said he was a bit scared and felt he was outside of his comfort zone, but he was also alive! It was a safe risk.

In effect, the time clock is always ticking. Don’t wait to dream. Step out now and move forward with passion and strength. Let your brilliance shine through. Live!

Coaching Challenge: What is your dream? When was the last time you thought about it, talked about it or took a step to make your dream come true? If it’s been more than a couple of weeks, it’s been too long.

In a journal or with a friend describe your dream. How would your life look if your dream came true? As you are writing, note what you feel. If it is passion and excitement, when was the last time you felt like this? Do some brainstorming and come up with one action step you can take that will move you towards this goal. Make the commitment to yourself and take one tiny little step toward the dream. Note your feelings and then make a commitment to take one more step.  You are now two steps closer to making your dream come true. Even if it’s scary, you are alive!