Dan’s wife has been deployed overseas with his Reserve unit since last summer and he‘s been taking care of their three kids while working full time. Michelle’s tour ends in June, so Dan and the kids are celebrating the holidays without her.

“Are you ready for the holidays?” I asked Dan as he walked in for our coaching session.

“I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit, but it’s tough,” he said. “I’m worried about the kids not having Michelle here. Even though we’re supposed to be festive, none of us feel that way.”

“How are you and the kids feeling?” I asked.

“Being separated feels unfair,” Dan began, “and because of the time difference, the kids don’t get to talk to Michelle very often. They are feeling a huge hole without her.”

“It sounds like a lot of your worry centers around the kids and their feelings,” I said. “What about you?”

“No, it’s more about the kids. At their ages, they should be with their mother during the holidays,” Dan said.
“I’ve tried to honor our family traditions to make Christmas as normal as possible. We’ve already decorated the house and plan to make fudge next weekend.”

“It sounds like you’ve tried to maintain normalcy even though things are different,” I said. “But I’m still curious about you and your feelings.”

Dan paused. “I guess some of it is about my feelings. It’s tough being separated, having to take on all of the responsibility, and maintain my emotions in front of the kids. They don’t need to see their dad upset. She’s not coming home any sooner, no matter how I feel.”

“But it’s important to acknowledge your feelings,” I said. “It’s not as though pretending that your emotions are not there will make them go away. Have you talked to Michelle about how you are feeling?”

“We haven’t talked on the phone in over a month,” he said. “Because of the time differences, it’s easier to communicate via email.  Without phone conversations though, it’s hard to express how I am feeling. She’s caught up in her mission and somewhat oblivious to the hole that was created when she left.”

“How can you talk to Michelle about how you are feeling?” I asked.
Dan thought for a minute and then his eyes lit up. “My oldest son keeps encouraging me to set up a Web cam to talk to Michelle.  Maybe that’s a good idea. We could spend time with Michelle during the holidays and throughout the rest of her deployment.”

“That’s a great idea,” I said. “You only have a few shopping days left. What’s your plan?”

“I’ll stop on my way home and get a Web camera and let Michelle know so we can talk on Christmas morning,” Dan said. “I’ve been a bit down about the holidays and part of it was thinking that I should be happy. I feel better talking about it and I can’t wait to see Michelle’s face on Christmas morning! I bet the kids will love it too.”

Coaching Challenge:
The holidays can be a time of mixed emotions. If this is a tough time for you, the most important thing is to acknowledge your feelings. Brainstorm ways to celebrate that will honor your feelings. If you still feel overwhelmed or down, consider talking to a good friend or a professional to help you sort out your feelings and find peace this holiday season.

Feeling “out of balance” seems to be the American Way. We are pulled and stretched in many directions, and keeping it all in balance becomes quite a challenge. Yet when we consciously choose which things are most important and which things must go, balance is attainable.

Finding balance means putting the things you value most as a priority, which can leave you feeling empowered and fulfilled. When you are “in balance,” things that are not as important don’t command as much (if any) of your energy and time. When “less important” things begin to take over, you tend to feel out of balance.

Finding balance is a constant process. It’s not some equilibrium that is maintained magically once you find it. Every time you consider beginning or ending something, by definition, the balance will be disturbed. You are saying YES to something and NO to something else. Life is made up of choices and those choices define your life.

When taking on more responsibilities or activities, it’s important to recognize what you are saying YES or NO to. If you are spending your time and energy in one place, you cannot be spending it in another– at the same time. For example, if you volunteer (saying YES), there is something you are giving up (saying NO to) – somewhere you won’t be when you are volunteering.

“They all seem important,” my client Sandy said to me. “There are the kids’ activities, a full time career, volunteer work, the relationship with my husband, and I’m taking classes at the local college,” she explained. “Now I’m being offered an opportunity to present a workshop. It’s something I’ve always been interested in pursuing,” Sandy said as she presented the scale-tipping invitation. “I really want to do it but can barely handle what I have on my plate now. What should I do?”

A powerful exercise I do with clients is called, “Powerful YESes and NOs.” To best evaluate the choices, we look at what the client is saying YES to and what he/she is saying NO to. Something has to give. It can be other activities, time with family or friends, or possibly getting less sleep. The time must come from somewhere else.

As we went through the topics, it was clear what resonated with Sandy’s purpose vs. what she felt she “should do.” I even had her say the statements both ways, “I should teach this workshop,” versus, “I could teach this workshop.” By simply changing the word, “should” to “could,” she realized that she really did have a choice.

By choosing to look at what she would be taking on (saying YES to) and what she would be releasing (saying NO to), the decision points came more clearly into focus.

One of my favorite sayings is, “You can have it all, but it might not be all at once.” Something might be exciting but doesn’t fit into your schedule. To save this opportunity, but not give up your time and energy right now, start an IDEA file to store the information. At some point, look through your IDEA file to see if anything should be re-considered. If not, you retain the information and can go back to it at any time.

Almost any opportunity – if it’s meant to be – will still be available when the timing is right.

Coaching Challenge: When you are presented with an idea of adding something new into your life, first try it on to experience how it “feels.” If it feels exciting and worth evaluating, then look at the YESes and NOs. In making this decision, what are you saying YES to and what are you saying NO to? Is it worth it right now to make this commitment? If it is worth it, then do it. If not, tuck this opportunity away in your IDEA file to be re-considered later. This will help you to keep the important things in your life at top priority and keep you from diluting your time and energy. In other words, it will help you to maintain balance. Also look at the things that you are currently saying YES to that may be a “should” vs. what you truly desire. Practice saying NO to the things that bring you down or take energy away from you so you can say YES to your true priorities.

We’ve all had it happen. Someone is talking and we zone out, not hearing a word that was said. Our thoughts wander – coming up with what we will say or do next – while the other person is expressing something he or she would like us to hear and understand.

Throw in a subject that you don’t exactly agree upon and the listening really goes downhill as each person tries to formulate a position and out-maneuver the other. No one is listening, words are flying, feelings are hurt and misunderstandings happen.

Hearing is literally processing sounds as they enter your ears. Actively listening and being fully present is hearing the words and being with the person as they speak. Not fully listening is one of the biggest factors behind miscommunications. How can you understand someone when you are only partially listening?

One of the reasons people enjoy being coached – including myself – is that someone is really listening to what they are saying – not just the words, but the emotions behind the words and the meanings between the words. Active listening is the practice of mindfully listening when someone is speaking. It sounds easy, but how often do we practice it? Add in the multitude of things that are happening, the various topics that circulate in your head, your own emotions and background, and it becomes perfectly understandable how the words go in one ear and out the other.

Think of a time when someone really listened to what you were saying. She gave you one of her most precious possessions – her time and attention. No matter what you expressed or how you said it, she was right there with you.

This doesn’t mean that she agreed with every word you said, but she listened. She asked questions to clarify and helped you find meaning behind your own words. You felt heard and understood.

The most important tools to actively listening are focusing on the speaker, hearing the words, listening for the meaning behind the words, and then paraphrasing back what you heard. These steps will significantly change how you interact with others. Here is an example of how these skills can be used.

Having three boys, I have witnessed how miscommunications easily turn into fights. Instead of talking about what they need, fists, feet and nasty words are flung at each other. Breaking it up I say, “This is NOT how we handle conflict. Let’s sit down and communicate.” A final push is given, nasty words are mumbled and eyes roll as we sit down to talk.

I play a combination of referee and talk show host as I invite each one to speak. “What happened?” I ask facing one of them. Kid #1 begins to explain his side of the story as I keep his brother from interrupting. When Kid #1 is finished, I look at the other and say, “Tell me what he just said.” Kid #2 paraphrases what the first one said and then relates his side of the story. We go through this until each one has described what happened.

We move on to “I Statements.” I cue the words, “When you (describe the behavior), I feel (describe the emotion). I would like (what is desired) because (why is this important?).” Kid #2 paraphrases what he heard and responds. It sounds cumbersome, but this emphasis on listening and paraphrasing helps them to communicate and move through misunderstandings.

Is there any place in our society where good communication is not important? Learning these basic skills – especially paraphrasing – will make a difference in your interactions with others. Giving someone the gift of fully listening is truly priceless.

Coaching Challenge:  This week when someone is talking to you, over-emphasize actively listening to him or her. Look at the other person. Focus on what he or she is saying and tune in to the meaning behind the words. Be with this person as he or she talks to you. Then paraphrase what you heard and ask if you interpreted it correctly. Note how you feel and what his or her reaction is as you fully listen and hear what is said. Note how this impacts your relationship.

“I stopped by the grocery store and was behind a young mother,” Lana said as we began our coaching session. “I was picking up cupcakes for Tommy’s Thanksgiving party, where I am headed after our coaching session.”

“What about the mother piqued your interest?” I asked.

“I felt uncomfortable watching her dig through her purse trying to muster up money for her groceries,” Lana said. “I overheard her telling her children that she couldn’t afford any pumpkin cookies. There was no irritation in her voice, simply matter-of-fact.”

“As she walked away, I built her story in my mind,” Lana continued. “It included her husband losing his job and taking a lower paying position that only covered the essentials.”

“It’s interesting how our mind fills in the blanks,” I said.

“The clerk rang up the cupcakes and I easily paid for them,” Lana said. “It seemed unfair that I could indulge in something as decadent as cupcakes for a classroom party, where there will be tons of snacks and some food even tossed out in the end ….and this woman could barely buy the basics.”

“Tell me more about those feelings,” I prompted.

“We’re not rich by any means,” Lana began, “but I’m not in the predicament that I assumed this woman was in. During the holidays it seems more prevalent how some families struggle and others don’t. We talk about eating until our buttons pop, sitting on the couch watching football while we drink eggnog, while other families may not have enough money to buy a turkey!”

“I would guess there are many families in each of these categories – some with enough and some without,” I said. “How are you going to spend Thanksgiving this year?”

“The kids are coming home, and up until now, our plan has been of the ‘button-popping’ variety,” Lana explained.

“You sound disappointed,” I said.

“I’m excited to see the kids, but again, it feels selfish and greedy to sit around and eat. There is a gap between how our family celebrates and how the woman at the grocery may spend her holidays.”

“What could you do to close the gap?” I asked.

“I’ve heard of people volunteering to serve at the soup kitchen, but I want it to be more personal,” Lana explained. “I’d like to help one family have a nice holiday season. If I could contact that young mother from the grocery store, I would…but that’s impossible.”

“How else could you help a family during the holidays?” I asked.

“I could ask the principal if he knows of a family who may need and would accept help, anonymously, of course. I’d be happy to buy ingredients so they could celebrate both Thanksgiving and Christmas. In fact, I would ask my family to help plan and shop for the food so we could all participate.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” I said. “How can you make this happen?”

“I’ll talk to the principal today,” she said with excitement in her voice. “It’s a win-win-win. I feel I’m helping to close the gap; another family gets to celebrate the holidays, and my kids learn the benefits of helping others. This year I will both give thanks for all of my blessings and enjoy giving to others. Isn’t that what this holiday season is all about?”

Coaching Challenge:
No matter what your financial situation is, how can you include both “thanks” and “giving” into your holiday celebration?

There are jokes about it, stories you hear, and books on the subject.  But when the passion leaves your marriage or partnership, it can feel downright frustrating and empty.

Kristi told me how wonderful her husband had been on her birthday. She enjoyed breakfast in bed, a bubble bath, an afternoon shopping and then a dinner date at her favorite restaurant. From this and other stories she had told me, Kristi and Marc were still very much in love. There was so much companionship and respect between them.

It shocked me when she said, “Marc and I are great friends, but our passion has dwindled. We are so busy with our careers, the kids, etc. When we do have time alone, there is so much “business” to attend to – who will take Jack to the dentist tomorrow? What should we bring to the office party?” She paused, “After we cover that, we share stories about the kids, plan our schedules for the next day and go to bed. It’s like we have shut down the passionate part of ourselves.”

“On a scale of 1 to 10, where is your passion level now and where would you like it to be?”

“Right now it’s about a 2; I’d like it to be at least an 8,” she said.

“How did you two meet?”

She told her story with a romantic look in her eyes. “We met at a wedding nine years ago. I didn’t like going to weddings. It was just too much ‘happily ever after’ for me, and I was sure I would never meet my knight in shining armor.”

“I had to attend because I was a bridesmaid. Marc and I met at the reception. He was easy to talk to and there was an instant attraction. We danced and talked all evening. Our first date was the 4th of July festival the following weekend. We had dinner and just enjoyed each other. We waited to become intimate, but when we did, it was so romantic.”

“What keeps you from being intimate now?”

“Between our careers and the family obligations, we run out of time and energy. Plus I don’t really see him as a lover; I see him as a father and as my partner.”

“How could you begin to see him more through the eyes of a lover?”

She paused. “Wow! I haven’t done that in a long time!”

“What is the most romantic moment you can remember with Marc?” I asked.

“I had finished my finals during my senior year. Marc knew how stressed I had been so he greeted me as I left my last test with a rose in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other. He drove me to a beautiful canyon and we sat on the rock and celebrated, drinking champagne, eating a picnic lunch and talking about the future. It was very romantic.”
“How can you re-capture those romantic feelings and bring them our more frequently?”

“Just recalling that memory helps me remember and see him more romantically. In fact, I have several romantic memories. Maybe I could write a couple of my memories in a journal to give him on Father’s Day. I will get the kids taken care of so we can have time to ourselves. It’s not that I’m not attracted to Marc; it’s that I don’t take the time to think about him romantically.”

“Will you get the journal, write the story and make the arrangements in the next two weeks?”

“Yes. I’m excited to do this. Just thinking about it reminds me of when we were first dating. I’ll get right on it. What a great Father’s Day present; Marc didn’t become a father without a little romance between us!”

Coaching Challenge: If you are in a romantic relationship where you are still in love, but the dynamics have become routine or passionless, remember a romantic time you have shared. Recall as many details as possible – where you were, the weather, what you were wearing, any other sensations, etc. Talk to your partner about your desire to increase the passion between you and share your memory, “Do you remember when we…?” Ask your partner what memories he or she has and together recall the details.

Being busy and feeling lonely can often go hand-in-hand. In an effort to avoid feelings of isolation, we may become “joiners.” Soon we find that adding activities decreases the time we devote to friendships, leaving us feeling even lonelier. It becomes an exhausting cycle.

Cyndi is an outgoing woman who thrives on being busy. Her time is divided between her career, her family, and volunteer commitments. Because she is surrounded by so many people, it’s difficult to see how she might feel lonely, but she does.

When I asked what she wanted to coach about today, she said, “I know a lot of people, but I don’t have any close friends.”

“You sound lonely and disconnected,” I said. “What may have contributed to you feeling this way?”

“Last week I had a terrible day at work. I had presented a report to my boss that I had been working on for two months. A lot of time and energy went into researching and preparing the report. As he read the executive summary, he said, ‘You must have misunderstood the project.’ He then explained what he wanted. He wasn’t mean, but I felt embarrassed and rejected.”

Cyndi continued, “The worst part was when I left his office, I didn’t feel I had anyone to talk to about how I was feeling. Several people popped into my mind, but I hadn’t been in contact with them in so long, that calling to get emotional support felt uncomfortable. It made me realize that I have let many of my friendships dwindle. I don’t have any close friends…and I feel it’s probably my fault.”

“How would you describe a ‘close friendship’?” I asked.

“When I moved here, I met Marcia at the health club. We had a lot in common and never ran out of things to talk about. We spent a lot of time together, talked on the phone daily and really understood each other.  It was an equal partnership between listening, talking, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.” She paused, “When I started to work, I didn’t spend as much time with Marcia and our friendship faded. We are friendly now, but the closeness is gone.”

“What got in the way of you nurturing that friendship or developing others?”

“I’m busy. Between work, my family and their schedules, life seems full. I don’t usually call a friend to ‘hang out.’ I don’t have time,” she explained.

“How would you like your friendships to look and feel, and how would you keep them alive?”

“I long for a friend like Marcia. We had such a close connection.”

I challenged her, “Think of an analogy that would symbolize you nurturing your friendships. What other things do you nurture in order for them to grow?”

“I think of the rose bushes in front of our house. When I pay attention to them, they grow beautiful roses.”

“How do you nurture the roses?” I asked.

“I water them, weed out the beds, fertilize and trim them,” she answered.

“And when you do that, the roses blossom, right? How could you nurture your friendships in order to help them to blossom?”

“I could call my friend regularly to spend time together, letting her know I care. Listening, caring and sharing would all be part of how I would nurture our friendship.”

“What relationship would like to nurture and what is your first step?” I asked.

“I’d like to re-connect with Marcia. My first step could be to invite her to lunch. My goals would be to talk once a week and go to lunch at least once a month.”

“When will you take these steps?”

“I’ll call today to schedule lunch.”

“How will you remember to keep your friendships a priority?”

“I have a photo of Marcia and me at Lake Powell. I’ll keep it in my planner to remind me.”

It’s amazing how quickly roses and friendships blossom with just a little nurturing, intent and energy.

Coaching Challenge: If you’d like to deepen a friendship, consciously decide to prioritize this relationship. Decide and commit to how you can best nurture this relationship. Take one step towards this goal by the end of the week. Be diligent to prioritize these relationships into your life; nurture them and watch them grow.

Our nurturing instinct can sometimes go on overdrive. We become a walking caretaker, unable to let anyone need anything.  This works fine until you run out of patience, energy or become downright resentful.

“I’ve had it!” Angela said. “I am so busy taking care of everyone else’s needs that I neglect my own.”

Angela is married to Brent and has two kids, one in middle school and one in high school. Although trained as a paralegal, she has not worked outside of the home since her youngest was in Kindergarten. Angela’s full time job is managing her family. Her husband’s career requires long hours and some travel, which gives Angela even more responsibility with the family.

She continued, “The other day Brent came home and wondered why dinner wasn’t on the table; Sue wanted help with her homework and Sam needed help finding his book report form. My temper was up that day. Sue had called from school; she had forgotten her science project. It took me 45 minutes to take it to her.”

“Then I raced home because Sam’s uniform was in the wash and he needed it for a game that night. And, to top it all off, I needed to stop by the place my mom is living to sign some paperwork. Just when I think I can’t do one more thing, each member of my family needs something more from me!”

Usually even-tempered, I could see Angela was at her boiling point.

“As I do more for them, they expect more. Just because I don’t work outside of the home, people assume that I have an open schedule. I’d like to challenge them to live in my shoes for a day. I guarantee they would change their tunes.”

“You sound frustrated and unappreciated,” I said.

“If it doesn’t change, I’m moving to Mexico and they can all fend for themselves!” she joked.

“What would their lives be like if they did fend for themselves? What are some tasks that you are performing that they could do themselves?” I asked.

She immediately listed duties that she had been doing that they could easily assume. “Brent could make lunches. Each of them could collect their own laundry.” The list easily came together. It even included people outside of her family, situations where Angela’s tendency to say “yes” had gotten her over-committed.

“How will you communicate this shift of responsibility to the people who need to know?” I asked.

“I will talk to my husband and ask for his support. At our next family dinner, I will talk to the kids about how the household responsibilities are changing.” Angela added, “For people outside of the family, I will call to let them know. I’ll give enough notice so they can find someone else.”

“That sounds great!” I said. “Is there anything else that will make this situation better?”

“Since I have given up a lot of my time, I will add in two hours a week to do something for me.”

“Let’s check in at our next coaching session to see how the conversations go and how well you are doing taking time for yourself,” I suggested.

“Maybe now I’ll have time to get in my workouts and finally lose the extra ten pounds I’ve been carrying.”

“Perhaps once you release all of this extra responsibility, you will feel as though you’ve lost ten pounds,” I said smiling.

Coaching Challenge:  If you are overwhelmed by tasks you do for other people, make a list of your major responsibilities. Review the list to see what you are doing that someone else could do. If he/she is unable to complete the entire task, possibly he/she can do part of it. For example, a young son may not be able to do laundry, but he can get the clothes to the laundry room. Once you have created your list, communicate to each person which tasks you are giving back. Explain why you have made this decision and be open to teaching them about how to complete the task.  Enjoy your new freedom!

Jan dove into our coaching session by talking about how busy she had been lately. Being a stay-at-home mom, there weren’t slow times or busy seasons as may be the case in a business office. Every day was just as busy as the day before. The dynamics and schedule may change from day-to-day, but she was still responsible for managing the household and raising her kids while her husband, Jeff, worked.

“Yesterday my schedule was completely off,” she began. “I thought I had it all planned, but then Danny woke up with a fever. Not able to take him to day care threw a wrench in my whole day. Jeff was unable to help and my mom is out of town.”

She continued to explain the craziness and got even more exhausted as she recounted her story. Listening helped because it gave her a space in which to vent.

I then interrupted her and asked, “Jan, how are YOU in all of this?” She paused and immediately shifted from telling the story, to getting present with her feelings.

Jan looked at me and swallowed the words that were halfway out her mouth. “How am I?” she asked as she looked down, a slight break in her voice. “I haven’t slowed down long enough to know,” Jan said. “No one ever asks how I am.” She said.

I asked again, “Jan, how are you?”

“I’m sorry I’m so emotional,” she said grabbing a tissue. “People just don’t normally ask how I am doing. My life is about asking others how they are doing and being in service to their needs. Take the kids for example. My energy starts flowing the second I get up in the morning.”

“Where else does your energy flow out?” I asked.

“All over the place!” she said. “It’s amazing I have any left at the end of the day.  I feel empty.”

“Since you were talking about flow and feeling empty, let’s play with the analogy of a water pitcher,” I suggest. “This morning when you got up, how full was your pitcher?”

“I slept well last night so my pitcher was about three-quarters full this morning.”

“It’s about 4 o’clock now.  Based on the stories you told me earlier, how full is your water pitcher now?” I asked.

She held up her fingers about an inch apart to symbolize that the water level in her “pitcher” had dropped significantly.

“How do you fill your pitcher? You mentioned sleep, but what else and how often do you get to fill it?”

“I fill my pitcher by going to the bookstore, enjoying a movie, reading my book, and once a month, I get girls’ night out,” Jan said smiling.

“If your pitcher today is nearly empty, how and when will you fill it?” I asked.

“That’s the problem. I continually pour water from my pitcher and rarely fill it up. It’s no wonder I get irritated; I’m empty most of the time!” Jan said.

“How can you remind yourself to fill your water pitcher so you have enough water to pour for others?” I said, continuing the analogy.

“I will fill a pitcher and set it on my kitchen counter to remind me to keep monitoring my water levels and keep my pitcher full.”

“How will you fill it tonight so you start tomorrow with enough water?”

“I’ll stop by the bookstore on my way home and take a nice warm bath tonight after the kids go to bed. I’ll even email you tomorrow to let you know I did it. I know how you are about accountability.”

As we closed our session, I handed Jan a water bottle and said, “Here’s to filling your pitcher.”

Coaching Challenge:  Use the water pitcher analogy to measure your energy levels. Pretend as though you started today with a full pitcher of water. Where did you pour water (energy) out of your pitcher and where did you fill it? Notice how full is the pitcher when you go to bed and again when you wake up. How can you continue to add enough water to keep the pitcher full?

I ran into someone the other day and he started to talk about a life change he had recently undergone. He explained how he never realized how much strain he had been under until he changed jobs. Looking back he saw how his work schedule had imposed on his ability to be present for his family, which ultimately resulted in a divorce. His previous work schedule had nearly consumed him and threatened everything that was important in his life.

Now that he had moved on, he could see where he had been stuck and said he regretted not having made the change sooner. Why don’t we change when everything around us is screaming – “GET OUT!”?

I told him the story of the frog in the pot. If you try to put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will immediately jump out. If, however, you put the frog into a pot of water and slowly turn up the heat, the frog gets used to it. Once it realizes it is boiling, it can’t jump out because it is either incapacitated or dead. We don’t take charge and make changes because we don’t pause long enough to realize that the temperature is rising and it’s getting hot!

How often do you check with your inner voice? What is the temperature of the water in your life? What are you tolerating in the important areas of your life – Career, Spirituality, Recreation, Romance, Health, Living Space, Family, Finances? We get SO busy that our alert systems shut down. The battery dies…and so do we, slowly.

Life Coaching is a great place to notice the temperature of the water you swim in every day. Are you treading water, swimming laps, gliding underwater, sinking or boiling? In this analogy, perhaps coaching can be seen as a life raft in the middle of the ocean of life. Coaching pulls you out of the water long enough to breathe, reflect, rest, and decide what’s next.

By simply noticing where you are, you’ve taken the first step and can make some powerful choices to move your life forward. Right now, make a commitment to yourself – it may be a very small step — to move forward. The real question is, if you continued to actively make small steps forward, where would you be in a week? A month? A year?

Coaching Challenge: Draw a circle and divide it into eight even pieces. Label the wedges: Career, Spirituality, Recreation, Romance, Health, Living Space, Family, Finances.  The center of the circle is 1 and the outside edge of the circle is a 10. Rank your satisfaction in each area of your life with a 1 meaning least satisfied and a 10 meaning completely satisfied.  Then draw a straight or curved line between the dots to create a new outer edge. What does your wheel look like now? Does your wheel look like a flat tire? If this was a real wheel, would the ride be smooth or bumpy?

Note: This exercise is included under “Client Resources” on the Living On Purpose Website. To do this exercise, click here.

Do you ever think about death or wonder when or how you will die? Morbid, perhaps, but life IS terminal. There’s only one way into this life, and one way out.

Part of living is dying, and part of our job is to get our affairs in order so when we do pass on, our loved ones don’t have to go on a scavenger hunt to find out what was happening in our lives and what our final wishes were.

I recently took a coaching workshop about money and finances from another life coach.* In one of the workshops, the presenter provided some great information on how to prepare what she called a “Death File.” This is a place where you keep all of your important documents so when you die, your loved ones can carry out your wishes.

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Each person’s death file will be different, depending on what you have in place before you die and what you want done with your affairs after you are gone.

Here are some tips for creating a Death File:

• Create a list of items to include in your Death File. These are items you think would be important for survivors to have after a person dies. See list below.
• Set goals (with deadlines) for getting each of these items organized (your will completed, life insurance policy in place, list of assets and who you’d like to have them, etc.)
• Notify member(s) of your family where you keep your Death file and how to access it upon your death (safe deposit box numbers, key, passwords, etc.)
• Update the Death File periodically as things change in your life (marriage, divorce, real estate transactions, employment and 401K status, births, deaths, etc.)

Here is a suggested list of information to have in your Death file. Ask your attorney or financial advisor what other documents might be helpful:

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• Bank account information (account numbers, bank information, passwords, etc.)
• Beneficiaries (get them in order and update regularly)
• Burial information and any wishes you have regarding services, preparations, funeral arrangements, etc.
• Contact names & phone number for people who manage your investments
• Insurance policies (auto, home, accident protection, etc.)
• Last will and testament, power of attorney, living will
• Life insurance
• List of liabilities and assets
• Mortgage information (on all properties)
• Most recent Social Security Statements
• Paperwork on any investments you have
• Retirement benefits
• Safe deposit box, including where you keep the key and who has permission (whose name is on the bank’s verification for) to access it.
• Vital documents (birth certificates, passports, Social Security cards, ID cards or Driver’s license, marriage certificates, divorce decrees, etc.)

The concept of dying may not be the most comfortable thing to think about, but getting your Death File in order can really help the loved ones you leave behind when you die…and give you some peace of mind.

Coaching Challenge: Even though it may be difficult, take the time to get your “Death File” in order. Let someone know about the Death File you’ve created (where it is and any passwords/codes necessary) and update it regularly. This will help you prepare your loved ones to handle your financial, legal and personal affairs after you pass on.

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*Special thanks to Diane Dinell, a life coach, former financial advisor and a realtor for Keller-Williams, who originally presented this topic. She can be reached at: 970-208-4819.