Being divorced with young kids offers many challenges. One of the most difficult situations is balancing parenting with dating. At first the two can be separate, but at some point, they are bound to come together.

Cole has been divorced for three years. His kids are six and eight years old and they are with him every other week. He is a dedicated father and supports his kids in their activities.

For the past six months he has been dating Marie who has two high school-aged daughters. Cole and Marie’s time together is concentrated during the weeks Cole doesn’t have his children.

At our last appointment, Cole explained that their relationship had blossomed and Cole and Marie were planning to spend more time together by including their kids in more activities. As they integrated family time, however, Cole and Marie began to argue.

“Marie doesn’t like the way the kids behave and they act out when she is around. She has a different style of parenting and is critical about how I handle my kids,” he explained. “Since Marie and I get along better when it is just the two of us, I decided to separate the activities again and spend time with Marie apart from the kids. Now I feel pulled between the two and find there isn’t enough time or energy to be in both places.”

“What options do you have?” I asked.

He responded, “As much as I love Marie, I relish my role as a father. But running in between the two is wearing me out.  He said, “I could quit seeing Marie, but I don’t want that either. Other than the kids, we get along great!” He paused, realizing what he had said. “But I don’t come without kids, do I? I am a father.” голова болит секс

“You are a good, dedicated father,” I added. I had heard many stories of his interactions with his kids.

“If we can’t resolve this, I fear I will need to make a decision. Although I love Marie, I won’t give up my family responsibilities.”

“It sounds like giving up or compromising your role as a father to stay in the relationship is non-negotiable. You are unwilling to make that decision. If that is true, what is your next step?” голова болит секс

“I will talk with Marie to explain how important my kids are to me. If she can’t accept my role as a father, maybe we need to break-up.”

I could tell how painful this was for him, but also recognized how firm he was in his conviction. “You are courageous to stand up for what you believe, even if it is painful.” I paused letting him take in the truth of my statement.

“I hope we can resolve this, but I’m not willing to compromise my responsibility as a father.”

“What is your next step?” I asked, prompting him to take his conviction outside of my office and take action.

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“I will talk to Marie this weekend,” he said. “I’m worried that I will cave-in or put it off. I enjoy being with her and don’t want to start over.”

“What is something tangible you could find to capture how you are feeling right now, something that reinforces your commitment to being a father?”

“When I look at my kids, I know exactly where my commitment lies,” he said. “To remind me of my priorities, I will look at a photo of my kids.”

As Cole left, he said he would email to let me know that he had talked with Marie. We could then follow-up with the details at our next coaching session.

Coaching Challenge: If your time is pulled between two areas of your life, make a list of negotiable and non-negotiable items in each of these areas. This list will help you prioritize areas of your life and allow you to review what is important. When you feel pulled between two areas, it could mean two of your non-negotiable items are battling for first place. If so, list the non-negotiable items in order of priority. This can help you sort through confusing feelings and take a course of action that is in line with your top priorities.

This is Part 2 of the post called Re-Introducing Fun.

Mitch returned for our next appointment to let me know how things went with Meg. Were they able to add fun to their relationship? Did his attraction to the woman at work subside? Did Meg agree to see a marriage counselor? I asked for an update on his progress.

“I left our last coaching session with intentions to focus attention on my marriage,” he began. “Meg loved our surprise date.” Mitch hesitated.

“It sounds like something may not have gone as you had hoped,” I said.

“A couple days later, I talked to Meg about how I was feeling. I told her about my conversation with you and how the woman at work at piqued my interest,” he said. “She immediately got defensive. I thought she would be happy that I was considering going to a marriage counselor, but that made her even madder.”

“You must have been anticipating a different reaction,” I offered. “What happened?”

“Meg’s convinced that I cheated on her and when I try to explain, I dig a deeper hole. We try to talk, but both end up defensive and mad.”

Mitch was upset and I empathized with his current predicament. In an effort to strengthen their relationship, his intentions may have backfired…at least temporarily. голова болит секс

“I don’t know what to do. It’s like ice between us. We barely talk. I’m sure the kids know something is going on. I should have kept my mouth shut. It would have been better had I not said anything.”  I paused for a moment as we both reflected on his last statement.

“That’s not true,” he added. “Whether I said something or not, the problem was there. We were just pretending that it wasn’t.”

“It sounds like pretending won’t work anymore,” I said. “How can you consciously NOT pretend?”

“I told her I would go to counseling. Maybe I should move out for a while,” he hesitated. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

“Knowing Meg, and seeing her reaction, do you think ‘fixing it’ is most important to her?”

He looked confused so I added, “When you have seen Meg upset by something outside of your relationship, how does she handle it?” голова болит секс

“She talks about it…a lot. She and her sister can be on the phone for hours talking about what happened and how she feels.”

A light suddenly went on above his head. “I get it. She doesn’t want me to solve the problem. She wants to talk about it and to be understood.”

“How could you help Meg to feel understood?”

“If I were to approach her like her sister does, she might talk to me. I could ask questions, talk about her feelings and empathize with her. I’m much more comfortable just solving the problem, but I guess I could try listening.”

“How will you start the conversation?” I asked.

“I will say, ‘I am sorry you are upset. Tell me how you have been feeling.’” He described other questions he would ask to understand Meg and not try to fix anything.

He continued, “It’s awkward, but I’ll try,” he said. “I don’t want to lose Meg.” Mitch committed to have the conversation that evening and would email to let me know that it had occurred.

Although Mitch’s initial attempt to strengthen the marriage had not been met with complete success, I knew that if he kept moving forward, he and Meg could stay REAL and move through this situation. There is benefit to forward, focused movement, even when it takes us into temporarily uncomfortable territory.

Coaching Challenge: Each time you take a step forward in any area of your life, you have the opportunity to re-evaluate where you are, what’s important and how to move forward. It can be easy to settle with the way things are and stay stuck. Write in your journal about an area in your life where you feel stuck. Make a plan to take at least one small step forward. Each time you take a step, re-evaluate and take another step. Thoughtful, courageous baby steps are the best way to keep moving forward.

Mitch seemed agitated from the minute he had walked in. Something was on his mind. After the small talk, he paused and looked down at his hands.

“You know how much I love Meg,” he began. “She is the light of my life, the mother of our children and a great woman.” His pace slowed. “There is no question about my love for her or wanting to stay married. But there is a woman at work who is getting pretty friendly. To tell you the truth, I am enjoying the attention and the light-heartedness of our relationship. Nothing has happened that is out of line; I just enjoy having fun.”

“I’m curious if Meg knows about this new relationship, and how she feels about it,” I said.

“I haven’t told her anything because nothing has happened.” He paused and added, “I guess something is happening for me since I want to coach around this today.”

“How are you feeling?” I said.

“I feel torn. I love Meg and want to stay married.  But there is a part of me that is opening up with this other woman. It’s my fun, playful side. So much of my time with Meg focuses around duties and responsibilities. We don’t have the time to just hang out.”

“What did you used to do on your dates?”

“Before the kids were born, we were care-free, Mitch said. “We enjoyed going to our favorite Mexican restaurant. They have the best margaritas.”

“How often do you make time like this now?” I asked.

He couldn’t recall the last time. A look of guilt crossed his faced. “I guess it’s been a while,” he confessed. “When we get time together, we slip into ‘meeting’ mode. It’s as though we are working through an invisible agenda. I want to have fun, not feel like we are having a meeting.”

“Tell me about the FUN agenda.” I said.

“The FUN agenda would begin with dinner at our favorite restaurant. Her parents would keep the kids overnight so we could stay out late and have time alone,” he said. “We could set up ground rules to keep us from slipping into our ‘business meeting’ mode. On our FUN dates, the point is to laugh, joke, relax and share time together. I don’t want to trouble-shoot problems. I want it to be fun.”

“You are creative and romantic,” I said. “When could you two talk about the serious subjects?”

“We have a difficult time talking about tough subjects. Meg easily talks about feelings and I don’t. She has suggested counseling, but I haven’t been open to it.”

“What are your goals for the relationship and how will you make that happen?”

“I want to focus on my relationship with Meg. It’s not the woman at work that interests me; I just want to have fun,” Mitch said.  “Meg and I need to be able to talk openly about anything, so maybe counseling would be a good idea. I could talk to her about it.”

“When will you have this conversation with Meg and how will I know that it has happened?” I pushed for accountability.

“I will set up the FUN date and surprise her with it on Friday. I’ll talk to her about the possibility of counseling over the weekend,” he said. “I’ll email you on Sunday to let you know that the date and the conversation happened.” He added, “I’m a bit nervous, but I don’t want to lose Meg or ruin my family.”

Mitch had taken significant steps to shift his energy back into his marriage, including adding more fun (since that has been lacking for him) and by being open to professional counseling.  Taking a step back from the situation helped him to gain perspective and make a clear decision on how to move forward.

Coaching Challenge: Identify one relationship (significant other, friend, co-worker, etc.) where you’d like to introduce more fun.  Brainstorm three fun activities that you can do together. Talk to him or her and plan to do at least one event in the next two weeks. It can be as simple as taking a walk over lunch to enjoying a weekend trip. The point is to have fun with someone you care about.

Deb is on a journey to discover her life purpose. She originally came to coaching because she longed for “more.”

From the outside, Deb’s life seems to be in order. She is married to a supportive, loving man; her kids are doing well in school; she enjoys her career as a school teacher; and yet there is an ever-elusive longing in her soul, a sense that she is meant to do and be something more.

In one of our early sessions, we explored what “more” looked like. It was difficult for Deb to describe. It’s hard to put into words a concept that hasn’t fully formed in your mind. I tried a different approach.

“If you could describe ‘more’ as a feeling, what would it be?”

“Exhilarating, but peaceful,” she answered.

“When have you experienced this feeling before?”

“The first time I looked at my son, it was a miracle. I felt larger than myself,” she paused. “It felt like ‘more.’” We sat with that a moment and let the feeling fill the room.

She broke the silence by saying, “I don’t feel that way very often. I feel like my life has been reduced to the tasks of everyday life. I cook, shop, do laundry, help with homework, and try to find moments of peace. The last thing I want at the end of the day is “more.” I’m overloaded with my day-to-day responsibilities …but they don’t feel like part of my larger purpose.”

“If you were working on your larger purpose, how would you be spending your time?” I asked.

“I would enjoy quiet time, write in my journal, do yoga and read books,” she replied. “But in my world, those times are rare. With the demands of my job, my family, and my volunteer responsibilities, I don’t have the time or the energy. I’m frustrated with the mundane and it’s all around me.”

“How do you feel when you are doing things that are in line with your larger purpose?”

“I feel like I’m making a contribution, like I am in service to something larger than myself.” She continued, “I have something to share and am willing to do what it takes – even if it means having to sacrifice– to walk this path.”

“Give me two routine tasks and let’s describe them from the perspective of ‘mundane,’ and then from the perspective of ‘purpose.’” I suggested.

“Our laundry is a never-ending cycle of gathering, sorting, washing, drying, ironing, putting away, wearing, gathering, etc.” she said and then struggled to find the purpose behind the task. “When I do the laundry, I am in service to my family and sacrificing my needs because it’s important for them to have clean clothes. Looking at it this way, doing laundry might be more purposeful than I realized. “

Deb continued by describing the routine aspects of teaching. “Mundane tasks include creating lesson plans, grading papers, and classroom management.” She paused in thought; a reflective smile appeared on her face. “Teaching can also be quite purposeful. For example, when I have witnessed someone learning to read…it’s phenomenal. That is when mundane turns into purposeful.”

“I’ve never really thought of laundry or grading papers as being purposeful. I guess it’s how you look at it,” she shared.

“It reminds me of the story of a man who came across three bricklayers,” I said. “When asking the first one what he was doing, he said, ‘laying bricks.’ The second one replied, ‘Making a brick wall,’ and the third one said, ‘Building a cathedral.”‘ (www.jpb.com) All three were performing the same task, but had completely different perspectives.”

Deb’s homework was to write down five routine tasks and describe the mundane and the purpose in each. I wonder if she will look at this assignment as mundane or purposeful.

Coaching Challenge: List five routine tasks. Describe how each task feels mundane and how it feels purposeful. How can you continue to see and feel the purpose of each of your daily tasks, even if they feel mundane? Find one word to remind you to view each task from a purposeful perspective. Post it in the place where you perform the task. For example, write the word “PURPOSE” on a piece of paper and hang it in your laundry room.

Have you noticed that the order of your life is reflected by the clutter around you? If your emotional life is messy, usually your physical life is too. Clutter isn’t just about extra stuff; it can also be about emotional issues.

One of my clients, Clara, is in the midst of a divorce. She has a full time job and is raising her two children as a single parent. Although we’ve coached around several topics, today Clara shared her growing frustration with the amount of clutter in her life.

“I have always been a neat-nick,” she said. My mother’s motto was, ‘A place for everything and everything in its place.’ And that’s how our house was run.”

She paused and said, “Now my house is a complete disaster. It’s as though the order of our house was symbolic for the order of our marriage. As the marriage got messier, so did the house. In fact, it’s not just my house; it’s my car, my desk…it’s everywhere.”

As she described the piles and disorganization, everything felt heavy and overwhelming. She said she felt claustrophobic by both the physical and emotional stuff that surrounded her.

“When the kids came along, our entire house felt crammed,” she explained. “We were so busy, that piles became entire corners of rooms; there was no time to sort or create systems for order. My house feels like one of those fun-houses at an amusement park where the walls appear to be moving and closing in on you.”

“What would it feel like to open up some of the space in your house, and where would you begin?” I asked.

“In my bedroom,” she answered. “It is the messiest space and tends to hold the most emotions for me.”

As we talked, I realized that the level of emotions she had were clearly tied to the amount of clutter there was and the emotional toll it was taking on her. I asked, “How would it feel to have your bedroom space cleaned and organized?”

Clara sat there for a minute imagining how it might look and feel. “It would be very powerful for me to reclaim my physical and emotional space,” She said.

“What are some ideas on how to make this happen?” I asked.

“I could clean my bedroom next weekend when the kids are with their dad,” she said. “I’ll start with the bookshelves and a corner of my room that is just stacked with stuff. I’ll put on my favorite music, grab a diet soda and attack ‘the pile.’”

Clara’s ideas started gaining momentum. “I’ll invite my friend Molly to help sort my clothes. I’ll get rid of anything that doesn’t fit or look good on me.” She continued. “Last, I’ll clean out the bookshelves and the stacks of paperwork and decide what to keep, trash or give away.”

“What will your room look like when it is completed and when will you finish it?” I pushed for accountability.

She described what she called her “everything in its place” room and said it would be done before our next coaching session in two weeks. Just seeing the emotional lift in her mood was worth it. It will be interesting to hear about her experience de-cluttering the physical and emotional areas of her life.

Coaching Challenge: If you’ve ever been labeled a “packrat,” or you find that your clutter is driving you crazy, it’s time to gain control of the stuff in your life. List what areas need cleaning up (house, car, office, files, etc.). Select one area in which to begin. Describe how that area will feel with no clutter and brainstorm ideas to move you toward this vision.

If you struggle with clutter, enlist the help of your friends or even a professional organizer. It’s amazing how much easier it can be to keep things orderly once you have a system. Be clear about the project and the time you are willing to commit. Include what the final results will feel like, what resources you will enlist, the steps you will take, the time-frame, and how you might reward yourself if you need some motivation.

Most of us internally hear an ongoing stream of messages that we hear (sometimes unconsciously) that direct our lives. This voice can be a composite of things you tell yourself, and the messages you have heard throughout your life from parents, teachers, caretakers, friends, etc. The messages can either be positive or negative, and if you listen to and believe them, they can direct your life.

My client, Tony, looked exhausted. He had been sick several times over the last year and was now recovering from the flu. “I’ve always been a healthy person,” he said. “It’s frustrating being sick and it’s impacting my business. I’ve had to cancel appointments and feel my business may fail as a result.”

Tony normally pushed himself. His workload was easily enough for two people. It’s no wonder his body revolted occasionally and got sick. How else could it force Tony to get some rest?

“How many appointments would be ideal during the month and how many are you handling right now?” I asked.

“Fifty appointments per month would be good and I am doing about 70 per month now.” He said. “I just don’t feel like I work hard enough. I could do more and don’t want to let anyone down. What if I limit myself to 50 appointments per month and lose clients? My business might fail.”

I introduced the concept of the Saboteur – the voice inside your head that constantly gives you negative messages. If you aren’t listening, the messages get louder and more panicked. “Don’t try something new. You will fail and look like a fool.”

Once I pointed out the Saboteur’s voice, Tony and I took one of the statements he had taken as truth and began to question the validity of it. “Are you working hard enough?”

“I’m working hard enough to be worn out and sick most of the time.” he said. “Maybe I’m working too hard.”

“Describe to me what your Saboteur looks like. Who gives you these negative messages?”

“I imagine an old, mean woman who points her finger at me. The messages come from a place of concern, but they quickly turn into criticisms and warnings. If I waiver, her voice gets louder and more insistent. Sometimes she is talking so loudly that I can hardly hear anything else.”

“Are these messages valid for you right now?”

“No. I am working hard – probably too hard – and it’s making me physically sick.”

“I’m going to act like your Saboteur and I want you to talk directly to me,” I explained. I stood up and put a mean, grumpy look on my face and pointed my finger at Tony. I said, “You don’t work hard enough and don’t deserve the clients you have.”

He laughed at my personification of his Saboteur, but then he got serious and mad. “Quit telling me what to do. I am sick because I always push myself. You have unrealistic expectations. Shut up and go away.” There was so much power behind what he said, as though it had needed to be said for a long time.

He said it felt great to finally stand up for himself. His homework was to write a paragraph describing his Saboteur, notice any time she sends him messages and write what he’d like to say back to her. He also agreed to acknowledge the Saboteur messages he receives and determine how he would face each one. His idea was to post a STOP sign on his desk. Each time he looked at it, he would remember the power he has to stop his Saboteur from running his life.

Coaching Challenge: Write a paragraph describing your Saboteur. When you hear your Saboteur’s voice, listen and write down the messages you receive. Determine the intent of the messages and verify their veracity. How do they impact your life and drive your decisions? By simply being aware of this voice, you gain power over the messages and have a conscious choice to accept or deny their intent.

One of my clients, Jim, has mentioned getting in shape since we started coaching together, but other areas of his life have taken precedence. Until now.

Two factors have sparked renewed interest in his fitness level. First, at his annual physical, he was slightly overweight and his blood pressure was up. His doctor suggested that he exercise more and eat better. Second, he had just received an invitation to his 30th high school class reunion.

“I’ve wanted to get in shape for a while, but I’ve found out that talking about it doesn’t make it happen,” he said. “I want to look good at my high school reunion, but it’s more important to me to create healthy habits for the rest of my life.” порно в хорошем качестве фото киски крупным планом

I asked him, “Remember when we were focusing on your promotion and we visualized how your new position would look and feel? By determining where you wanted to go and what you wanted to achieve, we came up with a clear vision and an action plan to help get you there. Let’s start this process the same way.”

I continued, “Pretend it is 12 weeks from now and you are walking into your reunion. Looking around, you see many familiar faces. How do you feel as you enter the room?”

Jim got into the visualization and sat up straighter as he talked. I asked him to imagine looking into a mirror and seeing himself as he would be in 12 weeks.

He described a tall, tan, energetic man who was in good shape. I had him get very specific on what it would look and feel like to be the person he had just described. Then I asked, “What is going to help you move forward and change your habits?”

“I used to be an athlete and I like to work out,” he said, “but I wouldn’t know where to start. My daughter has been working with a personal trainer and has had great success. To help me get started, I could meet with a trainer and a nutritionist.”

These were great ideas to take Jim towards his vision. To help him turn these ideas into action, I asked for clarification and timeframes. He answered, “I will set up an appointment with a trainer and with the nutritionist by Friday.”

“Great!” I said. “I can see what the goal looks like and I have an idea of where you now, but how can you be more specific?”

“I’ll take a picture of myself and have the personal trainer weigh me and measure my body fat percentage.” he said. “I also know what my blood pressure is and what a normal reading should be.”

When I asked him what success looked like, he said he would find a picture that symbolized how he would like to look and hang it on his refrigerator. He would also work with the trainer to create realistic goals for his 12-week program in regards to weight and body fat percentage.

He summarized his action plan: “By our next appointment, I will write down my current measurements including my weight, blood pressure and body fat percentage. Then I’ll clearly outline my goals, my workout plan and my timeframe.” Having him clearly state where he was now and where he wanted to go would help him to create his plan to get there and help to keep him motivated.

As Jim walked out, I think he stood a bit taller. He had the motivation and a plan to move him towards his goals. Watch out class of 1978!

“I’m getting old,” Shelley said as we started our coaching session.

“Aren’t we all?” I said smiling. “What’s prompting these feelings?”

“I don’t usually dwell on my age, but the other day when I got an invitation to my 20th high school reunion, I felt old. ‘How could this happen?’ I asked myself. And then I realize that my kids are almost in high school. Even though I don’t feel like I’m twenty years past high school, I know that I am. Where did the time go?” Shelley’s voice was full of concern.

“It sounds like a case of Reunion Blues,” I said and the corners of Shelley’s lips turned up slightly.

“So what do I do about this, doctor?” she joked, as though what she was describing were some kind of an ailment.

“In my professional opinion,” I began in my best impersonation of a doctor’s voice, “it’s important to identify the symptoms and determine the cause.” We had slipped into an easy space with the joking, but I knew that this was important to Shelley.

“What is it like to be old?” I asked.

“Old means time has slipped away, life is speeding by, and time may have been wasted,” Shelley said.

“Tell me about ‘time slipping away,’” I said.

“I’m 38 years old and don’t know what I have done with my life. I can talk about the big things – college graduation, my first job, getting married, having kids – but isn’t that what everyone does? What have I done that is special? What will I write for my ‘Reunion Update’ and what will I talk about?”

“What has your life been about over the past twenty years – deeper than the milestones you just mentioned?” I asked.

“I feel like I haven’t lived up to my potential. I hear about classmates who have these great careers and I wonder what happened to mine. I have an accounting degree, but am I doing accounting or am I a CPA? No. I am a part-time reading assistant in an elementary school. The only accounting I do is when I am figuring out which portrait packages to choose for school photos.”

Shelley hadn’t lost her sense of humor. Her sarcasm came out most when we were getting close to her real feelings.

“At our 15th reunion, I discovered one of my classmates was the manager for Jimmy Buffet. Of course, he won the award for the most unique career,” she said. “I can’t imagine what I will talk about that will be of any interest. I’ve had thoughts of not going to the reunion at all.”

“You could do that, but I am not sure that’s what you really want,” I said.

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“I want to go. I enjoy catching up with my friends. I love walking into the room and seeing how another five years looks on the people I grew up with.”

“Besides Jimmy Buffet’s Manager, what were some of the other stories at your 15th reunion?” I asked.

She replied, “Most were pretty normal. Their lives had been messy at times, exciting, sad, and thrilling. It kind of depended where they were in their own personal cycle when the reunion had happened.”

I paused for a second, allowing the wisdom of what she had just said to sink in.

“That’s it, isn’t it?” she said. “It’s not that I am a failure. This is just a part of where I am in my life. Plus, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks – including my high school classmates. What matters is what I think about my life. And I like my life. Why would I feel embarrassed for putting my family priorities first?”

Shelley left that day with a little more hop in her step with feeling “old” the least of her worries.

Coaching Challenge:

When you find yourself comparing where you are in life to others and possibly feel inadequate, see if you recognize any cycles in your life. Where are you in the cycle? What are the benefits of where you are and what are the costs? Expanding beyond where you are today can help you gain perspective. This is also a great time to envision where you want to go.

As high school seniors contemplate what to do after graduation, their parents are wondering the same thing. When kids are young, new parents can feel overwhelmed and have a sense that time is standing still. Yet many parents of older children say, “It goes by too quickly…a blink of an eye.”

Katie came into my office with an air of sadness and disbelief. Her feelings started when she and her husband began to plan a graduation party for their daughter, Shannon. Although Katie was excited, there were also feelings of sadness at the realization that Shannon was taking a significant step out of Katie’s day-to-day routine.

Shannon is the youngest of three children, which meant that after she left, the large home that had once held a family of five would feel a bit oversized for Katie and her husband, Joe. Granted, as Shannon grew older and more independent, the level of activity had already diminished. With each stage, Katie and Joe’s lives had adjusted, but something about having the last child move out felt empty and sad.

“I have watched each of my kids grow up and become independent from me, which is how it should be. I know that my job as a parent is to work myself out of a job. I don’t want my kids to need me; I want them to have the skills they need to survive and thrive in the world. Joe and I have talked about the freedom of not having full time parenting responsibilities, but as it becomes more of a reality, I can’t believe that we will soon be ‘empty nesters.’”

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She continued, “Parenting is an all-encompassing job. At the time you ‘accept’ the position, you have no idea what you are committing to.” She continued, “I have noticed my parenting responsibilities shifting. For a while I was the care-giver, the playmate, the referee, the taxi driver, the parent who waits at home and enforces the rules, and now who knows what?” It is the hardest job I have ever done! Yet in some ways I am reluctant to have this stage end.”

“If this stage is ending,” I asked Katie, “then what stage is beginning?”

“Wow! I was so caught up in the ending that I didn’t think about the fact that I could also be starting something new,” Katie said. “I’ve just given so much to everyone else along the way, that I am not sure who I am anymore. What will I do when my schedule is not squeezed in around someone else’s? And how will my relationship with Joe be without the activities and chaos of the kids? It was crazy, but somehow I found comfort in the midst of it all.”

As we talked about each of the questions, we came up with some action steps that Katie agreed to complete before our next session. First, she would write a paragraph describing herself, as though she were the author of a novel introducing her main character. She also agreed to make a list of three major endings she had experienced in her lifetime and the accompanying beginnings – identifying the gift she had found in each. In addition, she would re-connect with Joe and explore together how they wanted this stage of their lives to look and feel. Each of these steps allowed Katie to re-orient and prepare herself for the upcoming changes – both the endings and the beginnings. By gaining clarity and communicating, Katie and Joe could prepare and create how they wanted their “empty nest” to look.

Coaching Challenge:

Whenever you are anticipating a life transition, think about the phrase, “When one door closes, another one opens.” Focus as much (or more) energy on the “opening” as on the “closing.” To recognize both the “ending” and the gift of the “beginning,” reflect back in your life and find three major endings you have experienced. Next to each one, write down at least one beginning and one gift that accompanied the ending. Each time you anticipate a transition in your life, ask yourself, “What is ending and what is beginning?” and “What opportunities can I embrace?”

High school seniors are preparing for graduation. Until now their lives have been fairly planned. As summer approaches, they realize they have come to the end of “the plan” and wonder: what’s next?

One of my clients graduates from high school in May. Chet’s mother had contacted me about life coaching to help him find direction as he approached this ending point/beginning point. Chet wants to pursue engineering, but he is not exactly sure where he wants to go to school.

Chet has no contact with his father, who left when Chet was young. His mother has provided for Chet his entire life and works long hours to make ends meet. Moving away to attend college has been a difficult concept for Chet to contemplate for a couple of reasons.

First, he is unsure of leaving his mom; it has always been just the two of them. And then there is Ashleigh, his girlfriend of the past two years. She is a couple years older than Chet, has a full time job in her parents’ business and has recently purchased a home. She has no intention of moving and hopes that Chet will attend the local college.

“I’m really excited to graduate, but I am dreading the decisions I must make,” he confided.

When we talked, I could tell that family and relationships were at the top of his list of values. It was important for Chet to be available for his mother and he concluded that if he moved, he could stay in frequent contact via the phone, email and regular visits. “Who knows? Maybe a bit of separation will be just what each of us needs,” he said.

Before we moved on to the subject of Ashleigh, Chet told me he had another month before he needed to make the decision about what to do after graduation. When I asked what he needs to make good decisions, he answered, “information and experience.”

“How can you gain the information and experience you need to make a good choice in this situation?” I asked. “What is one baby step that you can take towards gaining the information you need to make a decision?”

Chet replied, “The school that I am really interested in is hosting an On Campus day where seniors are invited to visit and stay overnight in the dorms. I’ll go and see what it’s like.” That was a great step towards gaining more information.

Sometimes we get so caught up with the BIG picture, goal, or decision (in this case what to do after graduation), that we look for one BIG step to take us “there.” Getting “there” is not usually one large step, but a series of baby steps, which are easier to take and move you toward your goal. Each time you take a baby step, you are given an opportunity to reevaluate how it feels and ask, “Am I still on the right path?” If so, then you can determine what your next step is.

If it doesn’t feel right, you are given an opportunity to reevaluate and step forward, sideways or in a completely new direction. There will come a day when Chet will decide what to do after graduation, but by continuing to take baby steps and reevaluating, he can gain the information and experience he needs to make the decisions along the way with confidence.

Coaching Challenge:

Once you have defined the outcome that you are working towards, brainstorm the steps that will move you towards your goal. Write each baby step on a sticky note. Then place the notes in order of what needs to happen first. If the first step seems overwhelming, see if there is an even smaller step that needs to come first. Then each time you take a step towards your goal, reevaluate to see if you are still on the right track. If so, then take the next step. If not, come up with another step that is more in line with your goals. The key is to continually evaluate where you are and ask, “What is the next right (baby) step?” Keep asking, evaluating and moving forward.